Dear Yanqi,

People say that heartbreaks, though it hurts, may well be the very best teachers in life. I hope you have learnt your lesson. Even though it has taken me numerous times to show you that life isn't just about you loving the person, I believe maybe this time you might remember it distinctively.

I remember all the times you came crying to me seeking answers. I am sorry I failed to offer you comfort. At times, like you, I am shocked at their audacity and disappointed by your foolishness. All I could offer you were shocks of reality and bitterness of the truth. I feel obliged to cure you the best way possible.

But it seems like nothing could get through you, and I couldn't grasp hold of your hand. I regret times when a sight of your happy face caused me to forget to remind you what's important. Only to find that in the end, I am to be greeted with no smiles but tears. I know you are strong, but I was worried about how much you could take. Not many more, I truly believe.

I'm sorry for the times I failed to be a friend. Times where I should have complimented your beauty inside. I'm sorry that I have never been able to help you catch the good waves. I'm sorry that every nagging suspicion of mine turned out to be true. I'm sorry that I have never held you tight and tell you that you're a worthy friend. I promise from now, I will try my very
best.


Love
Your Conscience

Today, i sat at the bus stop waiting for him. In my hands, i was holding a can of 100 plus. It was suppose to do him good, it being an isotonic drink and all. But it never made it to him. Guess i waited at the wrong side of the road. Stupid me.

It's my term break this week and it's already thursday. I have neither spend quality time with him nor enjoyed myself. Been staying home, watching dvds and eating junk food. Midnight's are the worse. i'll exhuast whatever resources i have for the day and the only thing left to do is to go to sleep. That's where it starts to hurt, cos i cant go to sleep without being disturbed by some very horribe dreams. I'll try to comfort myself. Tell myself that everything will be alright. That he's just really sick and tired and maybe he's just paying me back what i deserved. I've kinda learnt to sleep with the coldness in my heart. Somehow as days go by, it kinda seems clearer about where this relationship's going. Kaput. It seems like we're not going to make it. And the worse part is, it seems like he knows, and that's what he's preparing for.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. Everytime when i call him, the voice i hear on the other end always seems so cold and irritated. It's not like i've havent been through this, cos for as long as i can remember his attitude have been mostly this case. I guess, it just hurts more now. With so much going on, i kinda feel the hurt more. It's like a wound being rubbed a thousand times, and now it just seems like it'll never close.

Sometimes i come across friend's blog and it seem like they're getting what i've always wanted. It's sad to read them and it only makes me feel more useless. Like i'm a horrible girlfreind and i dont deserve any happiness.

He complains that i get really crazy whenever i dont get things my way. i'm scared of what i've become too you know? I dont understand why i can be this bitter. It's starting to scare me. I need help, i really do.

I've come to the conclusion that i'm really not strong enough for this. Maybe a few more weeks, then i'm gone. I wont be able to take it. It cuts my heart to have him treat me like this. It just hurts so much to cry everyday. Not being able to sleep, cos nightmares just keep huanting me. I really wonder when can i be happy again. Nowdays it seems so impossible.

I try to keep myself occupied. But it seems like my company's not needed by any of my friends. I guess they just dont need me like how i need them. Not that's i'm blaming them. Who could blame others? Look at the wreck i've become.

Maybe it's time to let everything go. Sometimes empty hearts work the best.


ps: i hate having to keep thinking about what my father said everynight. please make it go away. take it away

Again, i just needed to apologise for the incident. i believed it was uncalled for and barely acceptable. if i could take it all back, i wold. i would give anything to go back to times where there wasnt such a strain on me. i dont deserve any of these things and i hope lke hell that god would take it all back. but can people remove things just because it hurts and stands in their way? Can they? they try, but often getmocked at for being such a pathetic fool. i dont need your pity or any other feelings you cannot afoard to give. all i need is your understanding. it is your choice really to choose whether you deserve to bear all these nonsensical luggage that i lug around, together with me. it is your choice to see whether it is worth to help me push through the barriers. cos it all comes down to me understanding that all these shit. yeah, i need to fix them personally. No one will take it away from me so i cant remove all these without paying a hefty price.

You can make things harder or easier. i dont know. i am really exhausted and hope that whatever i do to make it go easier works. i dont want to be haunted my whole life. i dont want to be labelled unssuccesful, traumatised and angry. i dont want to be a monster of all the things i clearly dont deserve. in life's only greed and death's open arms, i wish for all of it to go away. far away

i dont think i can take it any longer. i'm not indestructable nor infallible. i cannot fathom my maker's twisted way in making me learn lessons. for now, i need to be able to choose what i see, heard and feel. and it's really up to you to decide whether you're gonna stand by me and give me a helping hand.

i have reached a point in my life that singular small events or scenes can make me cry buckets. Sad, souful songs make me think that everything is crashing down. Soppy dramas just leave me feeling dissatisfied about my life.

I think i have hit rock bottom in my relationship with him. I'm starting to feel unloved and unwanted. Even though he doesnt make me feel it all the time but i suppose it's enough to drag the devil outta me. i badly want to apologise for the way i'm acting. but it seems like he doesnt know how bad i feel about it. i apologise profusely and he doesnt seem to care. i really dont know what to do anymore. i'm at loss.

life is bitter and torn. so is my heart. baby, i just want you to know that i love you. but i'm suffering like hell. the hurt is almost killing me. cant you understand? i really need love at this point of time but you just wont give it to me. i know you said that you're just dealing with matters your way. and it should be good enough. but honestly, it isnt. i just need so much more now.

i said things that i shouldnt. done things that i've regret. i've been telling him i should get what i deserved. but somehow now... maybe i dont deserve any of those things. i've sinned so much that i prob shouldnt get what i want. things like a welcome smile and a truthful kiss. teasing hugs and encouraging words. witty comments and humourous enthics. to feel love and special.
maybe i dont deserve any of those things, maybe that's why he cant find it in his heart to give it to me.

i feel so selfish right now. wanting him to give me all these when maybe i'm just the evil witch of the east in disguise. i tell myself that i should just take what i get. but i'm so sorry. i really cant. i try hard and hard to control. but my mind just keeps telling me that all these are what i need and what i really want. what am i to do?

god, i love him alot. but this relationship isnt going anywhere. and i still cant let go. i honestly dont think it will change for the better. sooner or later, he's gonna really lose interest in me and things will go outta hand. i dont wanna imagine what will happen. i've gotta learn to live without him. maybe that's what i owe him. to give him back his sanity. and in the process, find my own.

i dont know if i can do it. i really dont. cos at this point. i dont feel like trying. i'm too tired. i really am. my mind feels like it's weighed a ton and my heart feels trampled on.

i'm really so sorry babe. but i'm a living hell right now.

hello.

gosh. how long has it been since i've stepped in here? i've got dust settling in my hair. ew. anyway, here i am for a lil' clean up. *swipswip* melody ng. pass me my duster please. i need this blog to help me pass time. at least make sure there are no roaches roaming around. MELODY NG. DUSTER PLEASE. and lydia, mind if you do the mopping. my hands are tied up doing the typing. thanks. you girl-maids are the best. : )

so how was christmas for everybody? good? mine was as heartfelt as any christmas but punctuated with distinctive rudeness that's all. i rather not talk about it. i'm in school now with nothing to do. i'm passing time trying to pick out fashion diasters. there's this guy who is wearing ULTRA-SUPER-TIGHT PANTS. that's not the worse thing. i can see his butt crack. oh yes. it's as deep as any nile river and looks more disgusting than a 105 yearold woman's cleavage. *shudders* yahdah. he's looking for someone to poke his ass with a drum stick i'm sure.

talking about drumstick pokers and drumstick pokees, i have a question to pose to all men out there. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? KNNCCB. you all want attention issit? i give you lah! I CAN GIVE! why have to go look for other men? i went to a gay club recently. and almost half of the guys there make me feel heart wrenching pain as they stamped kick and dribble my heart all the way home. they are all so good looking. *whimpers* they almost made me wanna be a guy. how pathetic is that.

i just realised. men, has very weird and huge misconceptions about us women. somehow, they think that women are trouble. i marvelled at how one could come up with such an unfounded accusation! WOMEN ARE TROUBLE? oh please! ok, lemme clear this very wrong perspective that men nowdays have about us, (ALMIGHTY) women.

1. All that women do, is gossip.

False. we dont gossip. men just think that we do. there's a difference between gossiping and seeking knowledge. we women dont gossip, we do what human beings call, seeking knowledge.

2. Women like to be flattered all the time.

False. HELLO? CORRECTION! technical error. EVERYONE likes to be complimented. dont tell me you miserable men dont like compliments. liar liar. we women like compliments almosts as much as you guys do.

3.Women shop for no reason.

please larh. there's always a reason to go shopping. anyway, i would like to think of it as retail therapy.

Men. tsktsktsk.



i love my girlfriends. *HUGS*

flowing emotions. sometimes, you've got to realise that the world doesnt see things the way you do. they dont feel as sympathetic for you as you feel for yourself. so why make things so difficult for youself? true? well easier said than done. it's so easy to forget that you're trying to forget the hurt. it's so easy to start crying and start blaming the whole world. and it's quite easy to fall.

you may try to prevent the hurt. you build an unstable wall around yourself. and someone comes along and breaks it so easily. then, you crumble together with it. after each incident, you rebuild your wall. but each, more feeble than the previous. heh, what for.

all these, just a casual thought. : )

my lil grey matter is handling too much at the moment. my finals are mere hours away. not only does my brain have to handle detailed information on microorganisms, it has to analyse why is it's owner so lazy. i guess my brain is trying to figure out why am i here blogging away and not staring into the small tiny words on my bmic notes. Mr Brain, gimme a break.

May, jane, i guess you guys are all sleeping with your brains packed with information, all ready to face the battle field. damnit girls, sharreeee! ahaha. oh well.

i miss someone, everyone and everybody. : )

*-//i lie awake, thinking of all the things i could have done or said. i would love to stop dreaming please.-\\*

-`-baby*cantuseewhatyou'recausing?`*

i'm sorry i'm feeling so bitter.
sorry, to you.


`-karma. you dont do no shit to me.-`

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