Thursday, June 22, 2006 ; 12:40 PM♥
Because of you ; again.
Today, i sat at the bus stop waiting for him. In my hands, i was holding a can of 100 plus. It was suppose to do him good, it being an isotonic drink and all. But it never made it to him. Guess i waited at the wrong side of the road. Stupid me.
It's my term break this week and it's already thursday. I have neither spend quality time with him nor enjoyed myself. Been staying home, watching dvds and eating junk food. Midnight's are the worse. i'll exhuast whatever resources i have for the day and the only thing left to do is to go to sleep. That's where it starts to hurt, cos i cant go to sleep without being disturbed by some very horribe dreams. I'll try to comfort myself. Tell myself that everything will be alright. That he's just really sick and tired and maybe he's just paying me back what i deserved. I've kinda learnt to sleep with the coldness in my heart. Somehow as days go by, it kinda seems clearer about where this relationship's going. Kaput. It seems like we're not going to make it. And the worse part is, it seems like he knows, and that's what he's preparing for.
I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. Everytime when i call him, the voice i hear on the other end always seems so cold and irritated. It's not like i've havent been through this, cos for as long as i can remember his attitude have been mostly this case. I guess, it just hurts more now. With so much going on, i kinda feel the hurt more. It's like a wound being rubbed a thousand times, and now it just seems like it'll never close.
Sometimes i come across friend's blog and it seem like they're getting what i've always wanted. It's sad to read them and it only makes me feel more useless. Like i'm a horrible girlfreind and i dont deserve any happiness.
He complains that i get really crazy whenever i dont get things my way. i'm scared of what i've become too you know? I dont understand why i can be this bitter. It's starting to scare me. I need help, i really do.
I've come to the conclusion that i'm really not strong enough for this. Maybe a few more weeks, then i'm gone. I wont be able to take it. It cuts my heart to have him treat me like this. It just hurts so much to cry everyday. Not being able to sleep, cos nightmares just keep huanting me. I really wonder when can i be happy again. Nowdays it seems so impossible.
I try to keep myself occupied. But it seems like my company's not needed by any of my friends. I guess they just dont need me like how i need them. Not that's i'm blaming them. Who could blame others? Look at the wreck i've become.
Maybe it's time to let everything go. Sometimes empty hearts work the best.
ps: i hate having to keep thinking about what my father said everynight. please make it go away. take it away